Using My Voice: A Personal Testimony

by Jocelyn Abela

In my early childhood, until the age of seven, I spoke freely. I had a voice and I wasn't afraid to use it. I would talk to anyone, in front of anyone, in any situation. I distinctly remember my four year old self chewing the ears off the man who came to install the alarm, at my childhood home. It didn't even occur to me that maybe I was being a pain; that he may not want to hear my voice. He did give me some stickers, though, and I remember being delighted, so it couldn't have been too terrible for him.

Academically, I was a good reader, which meant I was always the narrator in plays and the one to read aloud to the class, when the teacher had to duck out for a while. However, at some point, the enemy stole my voice; completely shut it down. In situations where I was called to speak, aloud, in front of a group, I was afraid to say a word.

A vivid memory from secondary school is of my French teacher peering over her glasses, scanning the classroom and saying in her French, English accent, “who hasn't said a little word, today,”. I would literally will her eyes not to land on me. My heart would race and I remained on high alert, until the ‘threat’ of having to speak, passed. My inability to speak out was not because I didn't know the answers. I say that, not to boast, but to demonstrate that something else was at play. I knew it was strange because, until age seven, or so, it was not that way.

Among my friends (and I always had friends and was part of various friendship groups throughout my school and university years), I was never the shy retiring one. My inability to speak out was confounding, to say the least.

Sure enough, I carried this into my university days. I recall a particular day when my course mates were asked, by one of my tutors, ‘why doesn't she speak?’ referring to my lack of participation in seminars. It was pretty mortifying! Clearly, it made no sense to anyone else, either. Despite knowing this lack of utterance was not me, it did not match who I was on the inside, inexplicably, it was manifesting and I couldn't shake it.

Cut to being a christian, many years later, now it was manifesting as the inability to pray aloud or even share in a group setting. This was extremely frustrating to me because I was so passionate about Christ from the get-go and this was a real hindrance to sharing my faith.

I somewhat rationalised it as being due to the fact that I was always the ‘youngest’ Christian in the room, according to number of years in the faith, as if everyone else’s spiritual knowledge was, necessarily, superior to mine. However, I knew deep down this was not the truth. I recognised the work of the enemy to silence my voice and cement this stronghold in my life. God had spoken to me over the years about things He has for me to do and my silence was not, at all, part of the agenda.

There is always a degree of comfort in remaining where we are, but there also comes a time when to remain tight in the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom (Anais Nin). I was somewhat comfortable remaining where I was ... until I wasn’t, also known as God’s appointed time.

God processed me by allowing someone, who was supposed to be close to me, to try to establish themselves as the authority in my life. They suppressed my voice and tried to usurp the voice of God. The added complication was their attempt to draw in those who were supposed to be providing me with spiritual counsel. It was insidious, but deliberate and definite, as are all attacks from the enemy.

I found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. However, God is my Rock and when I cried out to Him, for strategy, His voice came through with the following prescription: Pray in tongues, aloud, for one hour every morning, for seven days. I knew this was the Holy Spirit’s leading, because I'd never prayed in tongues for long.I obeyed, and as I did, He began to reveal things to me like never before. I didn’t stop at seven days, and over the next month, He showed me things that were done in the dark. All of this helped to strengthen my internal voice and inner resolve. Within the first few days I received three prophecies. One of them was that He would bring out my voice ; there would be an unlocking, as I prayed in this way.

Within six weeks God delivered me out of the situation, spectacularly, in a way I was not expecting. He removed the people vying for authority in my life, but before He did He replaced them with people clearly marked with His authority, who were sent to speak into my life, who see the vision for my life and have nurtured the coming out of my voice. God used my voice, praying in His voice (the Holy Spirit), to deliver me out of a destructive situation and simultaneously break the stronghold over my voice. Now I will use my voice in any space God calls me to. I will not remain silent, not by power, not by might, but by His Spirit, even if my heart does race a little bit, at first.