How to Move On Without an Apology
“I just want closure.” Words we’ve probably all echoed at one point or another, as we crave answers that rattle our brains and keep us up at night. Whether it’s post-relationship breakup, friendship breakdown, or betrayal we want to know the why?
Some of us have had the privilege of getting those answers. This article is for those who haven’t had that opportunity afforded to them, or maybe you have and you found that it just wasn’t enough. Whilst I can’t promise this article will heal you, it will free you from allowing the flow of forgiveness and healing to depend on the accountability of another person.
In an ideal world, we would get the perfect apology. With a detailed description as to why they did what they did and what childhood trauma led to this behavior. Then they would take accountability and absolve you from any fault. Then maybe you would apologize too, because you know you’re the bigger person (we always are in our story). Somehow, we would feel better.
Now, I’m not saying this wouldn’t help. I’m sure it will. After all the Bible says words have the power to heal (Proverbs 15:4). These words can provide us with insight that would change our perspective of the things that occurred. However, what happens when you don’t get the “I’m sorry?” Do you just stay there? No… You move on. Now, to the how.
Forgive even if they didn’t say sorry
First things first, you have to realize you have been forgiven much. Remember those who have been forgiven much, forgive much. This doesn’t excuse anyone’s behavior but it serves as a solid reminder that we all need forgiveness and grace. None of this is dependent on us, but the forgiver. This is why we pray to "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." This is an agreement. Let’s hold up our end of the bargain.
Forgiveness frees us from reliving the pain. My mum used to always say unforgiveness is like drinking poison but expecting another person to die. Choose to forgive them. Pray that God helps you forgive them. I know it’s not easy or simple. God knows it’s not easy or simple. It cost the Father His Son, and Jesus His life. They get it. Yet, they still did it. Jesus even prayed for His tormentors whilst, on the cross, they certainly weren’t sorry.
Forgiveness isn’t necessarily a you and them thing. It’s a you and God thing. It’s something you work out with God. He’ll instruct and guide your heart into total healing, forgiveness, and freedom.
Take your thoughts captive
My Pastor often reminds me that the enemy isn’t omnipresent, unlike God. So he has systems in place to keep us trapped in cycles of oppression to do his dirty work for him. However, we often help in our lack of awareness and end up partnering with it. Keeping us trapped in cycles, all because God’s people perish because of a lack of knowledge.
This system, which my pastor calls Satan’s Management System (SMS), is our thoughts. In our minds, we replay scenes of the pain and hurt. Reliving it all. We punish ourselves for letting it happen by playing it over and over.
It’s important to take these thoughts captive in obedience to Christ. Whenever you relive these thoughts, see it as an opportunity to pray. Pray for your healing, pray for your peace, and pray for the one who hurt you. Don’t give in to those thoughts or they won’t stop and healing won’t take place.
What we don’t realize is that you meditate on these events, and yes that’s what you’re doing, your opening wounds that have barely healed. This can cause infection or bitterness. Sometimes even bleeding out on others. Pastor Jerry Flowers so eloquently put it, “Heal so that when love comes knocking at your door, you won’t pretend like no one’s home.” This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships but friendships, or maybe maternal or paternal figures. Or maybe even churches.
When you keep thinking about those things it becomes your perspective and your lens. It becomes your worldview. You begin to fear and dread it happening again. Constantly searching for red flags. Paranoid rather than discerning. Anxious rather than having peace. So, when something good comes you can’t recognize it because you’re anticipating disappointment already. Yet, the Bible says love holds no record of wrong.
You do need to forgive and forget. Why? Because what you don’t realize is you can punish someone for something they haven’t even done. Allowing your pain to spoil something beautiful. You start to react and respond as if they did something even though they haven’t. Or the infamous sabotage technique let me hurt them before they hurt me. Another one is, to let me push them away before they push me away. This perpetuates the cycle of hurting others. After all hurt people hurt people.
Align your words with your healing
A great indicator you haven’t healed is your speech. The way you talk about yourself, the situation, the person or people who have hurt you testifies that you haven’t let go or moved on. I remember when I got my heart broken it was all that I could talk about to anyone willing to lend me an ear. I would repeat it, recite it, and rinse it. It was all I could speak about because it was all I could think about. Even a year after I was still in shock. I was hoping in sharing my pain I was validating that I was right and they were wrong. I needed to hear it. I needed to know that I was wronged. Even when they did confirm it was a temporary fix. Itching for another hit from a very addictive drug… validation. Something I didn’t feel like I got from the person that hurt me. That was all before, I started to see the annoyance in people’s faces. They had heard all of it before. They were tired of hearing, and yet I wasn’t. I had to get tired of being the victim and chose to be the victor. I had to decide this wasn’t my story.
It’s not just what you say about what happened or the person but that area of your life. Do you find yourself saying “Men are trash, all churches and pastors are the same, or girls just don’t like me”… whether it’s based on actual events and experiences these are indicators that you haven’t healed. Not only that, you’re not speaking words of healing either. You’re speaking of death instead of life. This can be the case even when you speak about yourself. Words like “I am fine not marrying, I’ll never fit in.”
Change how you speak. You might not feel or even believe at it first. However, this is a necessary process and part of healing. When your words align with healing you begin to create an atmosphere conducive to healing. It won’t be instant but it will be progressive. Replace your language and conversations with ones that are edifying. If you catch yourself repeating the same stories, change it. It’ll become a habit. If you catch yourself speaking negatively about it: STOP. Speak positively or if you can’t yet, don’t say anything at all.
Forgive yourself for what happened
Some of us don’t realize we're mad at ourselves for letting it happen. You’ve questioned yourself as to why you didn’t see or why you didn’t acknowledge the red flags. Yes it,’s good to take accountability but don’t punish yourself for it. You’ve been through enough don’t you think? God doesn’t hold it against you. Therefore, you shouldn’t.
Instead, learn from it. Pull lessons from it. What could you have done better even if it’s one thing? Use this for your betterment and not your detriment. The way you do this is by surrendering it to God. It’s like holding on tightly to a shard of glass. The tighter you squeeze the deeper the wound. When you release it God can finally treat the wound. You can’t really heal yourself. What you can do is get out of God’s way so He can heal you. When you don’t forgive yourself you don’t realize you’re stopping God from doing what He wants to do.
As I said I can’t promise this article can heal you but it can get you thinking about how to approach moving on independently from an apology from the one who hurt you. I believe doing these things will help. I can say that because it helped me at my lowest. We all experience God in different ways. I know God as the lifter of my head. At my lowest, He took me out of the pit and the miry clay.
I will leave you with two encouragements. The first thing is God is still good. I know it can be hard because we ask ourselves and God how can let this happen. There’s so much we don’t see. There are certain things that I realized in hindsight really were God’s protection and redirection. It wasn’t a separation but it was a deliverance, even though it hurt. Sometimes we may never know why. In those cases trust in God’s goodness anyway. The second encouragement was something my pastor said to me and made me repeat when I was in so much pain. “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28). Do you love God? Are you called according to His purpose? If you answered yes, then KNOW He is working even this for your good.
My final piece of advice (I promise)… decide to move on.